Communication Tips: Effective "Sending"
— Simple But Not Easy
By Betsy Bergquist, Imago Therapist
Reproduced with permission from the author
    Those of you with Imago workshop or counseling experience are well aware that the
key process taught and learned is the Couples Dialogue.

    The Dialogue gives partners structured speaking and listening roles, and, when used
appropriately, transforms “talk” or “conversation” between them into something far less
random, isolating and reactive and much more satisfying, connecting and intimate. The
potential to hurt is replaced by the potential to heal.

    Dialogue is at heart a very simple two-person activity, and in it we as partners fill
certain very specific and simple roles and responsibilities as speakers — “senders”, or
listeners — “receivers” in order for the process to work.

    But we ought not to confuse “simple” with “easy.” Most of us typically bring histories of
using communication styles which have not yielded us the safety and passion we desire in
our relationships, yet in the moment we don’t know anything else and often fall back on or
defend what doesn't work: its familiarity gives us false comfort, so to speak.

    Thus Dialogue as a replacement requires close adherence to the structure — and
then plenty of practice and fine tuning to make a habit out of it. That way you may start
enjoying the exponential benefits, rather than backsliding into the old way which only got
you where you are now. It’s not easy to do this.

    So in the interest of fine tuning, I note here a few points to review and ponder
concerning the sending portion of Dialogue. These points can be useful not just to those
with experience with it, but also to general readers with no direct knowledge of Dialogue,
and who nonetheless are looking for tips for communicating more intentionally and
“dialogically” — and with better outcomes — for themselves and their partners.

    I hope these tips will help all of you as senders continue to make this simple process
easier.

    1.  Before asking your partner for dialogue spend some time clarifying your issue
within yourself. What do you really want to address? Be curious about why the subject has
some “charge” for you.

    2.  Keep your issue as narrow as possible. Minimize tangents and elaborations.

    3.  Let go of the outcome. If you communicate well, the outcome will take care of itself.

    4.  Begin the dialogue by stating a positive intention. Focus on exploring yourself and
the source of your reaction rather than on assigning blame: "My intention in saying this is
to...", "In this dialogue, I hope to..."

    5.  Use “I” statements: “I perceive….”, “I imagine that means….”, “I feel…”

    6.  Give your partner only small units of information at a time and wait to be mirrored.
This increases the likelihood of being heard and mirrored accurately.

    7.  Clearly and enthusiastically reinforce accurate mirroring by your partner. “That is
so right! Thank you.” “Boy, that’s almost perfect! Here’s the little bit that I want to clarify…”

    8.  Make sure your words, tone of voice, facial expression, and body language are
congruent. No "mixed messages."

    9.  Avoid all criticism, i.e., any statement that denigrates (“You are so selfish’), labels
(“You are just too sensitive”), or characterizes (“Your problem is…”) your partner.

    10.  If you must talk about your partner in terms of his or her behavior, emphasize that
this is your perception and interpretation and not “reality”: “What I make up is…”, “What I
imagine you mean is….”, ”How I see this is…”

    11.  Be willing to be vulnerable by talking, for example, of the emotions evoked, your
related memories of childhood, or your secret wishes and needs — expressed as needs,
not demands.

    Through our personal experience and that of hundreds of other couples we know, it’s
clear to me that the Dialogue is an elegant remedy for the customary and dissatisfying
ways of all-too-typical partner communication, especially, for the expression of concern or
frustrations when the sender fears that the topic may be too touchy, off-limits, or destined
for impasse or an attack/defend exchange. By changing the rules and one’s perspective at
the same time, it serves to reopen the door to safety and passion we all desire.   
Suzanne Corcoran, LCSW-C
                Counseling for Couples and Individuals in Rockville, Maryland
Suzanne Y. Corcoran, LCSW  1107 Nelson Street  Suite 204  Rockville, Maryland 20850  Phone: 301-590-0204
info@suzannecorcoran.com