| Affairs: Death of Your Relationship or Wake-up Call? by Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW Reproduced with permission from the author |
- In this article we will briefly look at some possible causes for affairs, types of affairs
the relationship you most want.
- Why does the affair happen? There are many reasons that affairs happen, and
- 1. Escape from distress:
- One of the biggest reasons people move into affairs is a feeling or sense of
marriage or relationship. These and other forms of distress often build up slowly in a
relationship.
- If you and your partner are in a committed relationship you are constantly creating a
are not only creating it when you talk to one another, or when you fight, or when you make
love -- although you are certainly creating it then too. You are creating it 24 hours a day, 7
days a week. You cannot NOT be creating it!
- Everything you say, do, fail to say or do, and the way you say or do it creates the
discount your partner's concerns, whether you mean to or not, you create distress. If you
nag, criticize, or use sarcasm you create distress. If you shut your partner out, you create
distress. It doesn't matter whether you shut them out because you are angry at them,
stressed at work or from traffic, worried about finances or simply wanting to relax and veg
out in front of the TV. The BEHAVIOR creates distress, no matter what your INTENTION
or reason is.
- You create distress when you refuse to talk, when you pout, when you withhold sex,
something or someone else is more important than your partner--even if it's the children
or your work. You create distress when your partner expresses a need and desire more
than once and you refuse to grow and stretch, all the while claiming "that's just not me,"
refusing to step out of your comfort zone to develop more of yourself. You even create the
climate by the thoughts you have and the things you tell yourself about your partner and
your relationship. You create distress by labeling your partner as 'self-centered',
'controlling', 'needy', etc., even if you only tell yourself. You tend to find or project what you
look for and focus on.
- Just as you create distress, you can also create happiness, fulfillment, a feeling of
glad you are that he or she is in your life. You can express appreciation and love through
words, touch, actions, a look, or a smile. You create a positive climate when you do little
thoughtful things for the other, when you listen without putting in your own 2 cents. You
create love when you do loving things and entertain loving thoughts. You create love and
intimacy when you can talk about frustrations, concerns, fears and dreams respectfully
and in a way that leads to connection.
- I could go on, but you get the idea. You constantly create the climate --distressful or
the idea that BOTH of you are doing that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If the climate is
loving or distressful, you have a big part in it!
- When unmet needs, feelings of disconnection, fighting, withdrawal or inattention
important, special and loved. For some that means turning toward the children. For
others, it means throwing themselves into their work. For others it means building an
impenetrable wall and withdrawing into themselves. For others, it means turning toward
someone else.
- 2. Affairs often begin as innocent relationships. Several things can change them
- Living in distress, someone offers a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear or a word
concern, attention, respect, interest or other things missing in their own relationship, they
have moved several steps closer to an affair. They feel more connected than to their
spouse or primary partner.
- The relationship seems to snowball toward a sexual relationship. Every person
development of a relationship. Taking in the good things of the other person, feeling
cared about, draw the person more and more into the relationship. Then something else
comes in.
- Rationalization and denial helps the person make choices contrary to their core
doing anything wrong; it's just a friendship, etc. Even when the person feels themselves
being pulled more and more deeply into the relationship, the denial and rationalization
continues so that they can justify it to themselves, and of course, to anyone who may ask
about it.
- More rationalization: "If this new person makes me feel like this, which I haven't felt
soul mates. My feelings don't lie. Why shouldn't I experience happiness?" And so it
grows.
- 3. Time, energy, attention and thoughts directed toward the new relationship
The involved partner pulls back even more from their primary relationship -- in thought and
behavior, even when the betrayed partner does not know about the affair. Energy,
attention, focus and aliveness is going toward the fantasy partner and there is no way that
the loss of those things is not going to be felt at some level in the original relationship.
- 4. People put themselves in situations that can easily develop into affairs, even
- Having lunch or a drink alone, working together alone, all create possible
lobes of the brain which is the section that normally cause us to think about the
consequences of our actions, the impact it will have on others, our personal moral values
that would normally guide our choice.
- 5. Some people with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) are susceptible to brief or
parts of the brain that would stop most people, don't operate in the same way -- similar to
the effect of alcohol. That does not mean that everyone with ADD will have an affair, but
rather that they can be vulnerable because of their impulsiveness.
- 6. Some people involved in affairs have developmental issues around commitment,
- Certain needs become frozen. Certain anxieties appear in any relationship as it
degree or another. That's why committed relationship can be a primary path toward
healing and growth. However, certain frozen needs can make a person more vulnerable
to seeking solace and relief in affairs. A fear of intimacy can also contribute to
vulnerability to affairs.
- 7. Lack of knowledge and skill in dealing with conflict, frustrations, hurt and anger.
- When couples don't have adequate skills in dealing with conflict, which is a part of
This is a major cause of distress. There are fights and hurt feelings. No one wants to live
in that kind of climate. The person gives up trying or simply blames their partner. They
then believe they just need to find the right person. But these skills can be learned --
counseling, coaching, workshops, books and tapes can make a difference. There are
qualified professionals in your area.
- Finally, do men and women want a satisfying emotional relationship? Yes. Do both
about by their spouse or partner? You bet. Can men and women use their ability to make
and keep a commitment, use their core values and use their frontal lobes to think about
the consequences and impact on their lives and others as they make their choices? Yes,
yes and yes.
- Copyright Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW, Director of the Relationship Learning Center in Winter
must contain copyright information. Reproduction for financial gain is prohibited.
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Suzanne Corcoran, LCSW-C
Counseling for Couples and Individuals in Rockville, Maryland
Counseling for Couples and Individuals in Rockville, Maryland
| Suzanne Y. Corcoran, LCSW 1107 Nelson Street Suite 204 Rockville, Maryland 20850 Phone: 301-590-0204 info@suzannecorcoran.com |